Do I deserve this?

"Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been"

This song has been on my mind lately.
It'll pop up at just random times, while I'm walking, while I'm working, while I'm showering...anytime.
It's been bugging me.
and I think I know why it has been.

I decided to really sit and just listen to the lyrics and I heard the line
"And I'll stop this pretending that I can, somehow deserve what I already have"

and you know what I realized...I realized, that line isn't just talking about what I have physically

It's not just talking about the clothes I own, or the money I have

It's not even only talking about the good things I've done.

But it's also talking about the things I've screwed up

The things that I have messed up

The things I can't fix

It all applies.

Saying that I don't deserve what I already have

Is saying that I don't deserve this pain I have

I don't deserve the hurt

I don't deserve the sorrow

I don't deserve the lies

I don't deserve the sickness

I don't deserve any of it

That all I have gone through, everything that I thought made me a failure, a fool, a screw up.

It's wrong, because I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to have to deal with all of that.

I don't have to feel like everything I've done that was wrong is a regret

that I'm a mess

that I can't be fixed

that I'm just screwed.

Even though I've already gone through a lot

Even though I've dealt with hell and back

Even though I've been hurt and gone through shame

Doesn't mean I deserve it.

That doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it.

But I finally can see that I didn't always have to feel I deserved it.

This is the first time I've been able to look at it this way

and it may take me a while to wrap my mind around it

to believe it

to understand it

But I'm starting to truly believe that this could be the truth

It's a big relief in a way
to realize I don't have to have such regrets over everything

to feel that I don't deserve it.

what a relief

"And I'll stop this pretending that I can

Somehow deserve what I already have"

Let's stop this pretending, and start realizing we don't have to deserve our pain, sorrow, or hurt.