Do I deserve this?

"Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been"

This song has been on my mind lately.
It'll pop up at just random times, while I'm walking, while I'm working, while I'm showering...anytime.
It's been bugging me.
and I think I know why it has been.

I decided to really sit and just listen to the lyrics and I heard the line
"And I'll stop this pretending that I can, somehow deserve what I already have"

and you know what I realized...I realized, that line isn't just talking about what I have physically

It's not just talking about the clothes I own, or the money I have

It's not even only talking about the good things I've done.

But it's also talking about the things I've screwed up

The things that I have messed up

The things I can't fix

It all applies.

Saying that I don't deserve what I already have

Is saying that I don't deserve this pain I have

I don't deserve the hurt

I don't deserve the sorrow

I don't deserve the lies

I don't deserve the sickness

I don't deserve any of it

That all I have gone through, everything that I thought made me a failure, a fool, a screw up.

It's wrong, because I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to have to deal with all of that.

I don't have to feel like everything I've done that was wrong is a regret

that I'm a mess

that I can't be fixed

that I'm just screwed.

Even though I've already gone through a lot

Even though I've dealt with hell and back

Even though I've been hurt and gone through shame

Doesn't mean I deserve it.

That doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it.

But I finally can see that I didn't always have to feel I deserved it.

This is the first time I've been able to look at it this way

and it may take me a while to wrap my mind around it

to believe it

to understand it

But I'm starting to truly believe that this could be the truth

It's a big relief in a way
to realize I don't have to have such regrets over everything

to feel that I don't deserve it.

what a relief

"And I'll stop this pretending that I can

Somehow deserve what I already have"

Let's stop this pretending, and start realizing we don't have to deserve our pain, sorrow, or hurt.

Do you ever wonder, dream, or maybe just think?

About everything, about why we're here.

Why we exist, breathe, what's our plan.

I mean I know we have a purpose, but sometimes it feels like you just cannot want to wait to see what it is.

Sometimes you just wonder, what's going to happen next? Am I going to get good grades in school? Will I pass that next test? Am I going to say the right thing? Will I smile enough? Will someone be offended if I say this? You wonder about everything. All you can do is wonder about making mistakes, saying something that you regret, wondering if you'll ever not fail.

Wonder, wondering, wondered.

Maybe you have your dreams float by through you head, dreams that you can be all you ever wanted to be, all you ever wished you could be. But are those just dreams? Seeing myself as a photographer, enjoying the power of singing, drawing till my hearts content, painting as it drips down the page, smiling as I dance, dream about it all. Is this what I should do? Is this a want? a dream? a hope? Or is this what I'm suppose to do. I do often fear that maybe all it is is a dream, a hope that I could feel happy with whatever I do.
But aren't dreams suppose to come true? aren't you suppose to be happy with what you do? Can't my dreams be reality? Maybe God's plans for me are my dreams?

Dream, dreaming, dreamed.

All too often I find myself thinking, thinking beyond what I ever should. I think about almost everything, my mind can't help it. I think. My mind rotates in motion. I think about death, life, sex, dreams, hopes, chances, pain, hurt, sorrow, suffering, joy, peace, contentment...Love. You can guarantee there is always something on my mind. Always something to be thought about, something moving the wheels in my head. There's times where I think so much that I can't sleep. I think about sleeping, I think about dreaming while I'm sleeping. Yet I think so much I can't get to sleep.
I'm always always always thinking, you could ask me at any one time what I'm thinking about and I probably have at least 5 things on my mind...if not more,

Think, thinking, thoughts.

I've wondered about why I think, when I should be dreaming.

Dream. Live. Succeed. Breathe. Wonder. Believe. Smile. Think. and Love.

"We're not necessarily doubting that Gob will do the best for us: we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be" ~ C.S Lewis

"There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life"

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."

"Dreams are only thoughts you didn't have time to think about during the day."

"Dreams are free therapy, but you can only get appointments at night." ~ Grey Livingston

"A man who does not think for himself does not think at all." ~ Oscar Wilde

"Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people."

Go out and think, Go out and dream, Go out and wonder.

Wonder, Dream, Think.

This is life.

I. Love. You

Three little words. I. Love. You.

Separate them and they could have so many different meanings, depending on what you put them with.

But what I wanted to write about, was how powerful these three little words are. They're so powerful that I've yet to truly be able to say them to anyone. I mean sure I love people. I love my family, my friends, I even love those that I hate. But yet have I really truly said I love them....no.

I frequently will say, "hey love", "love ya", "love you", "love ya lots", but yet saying I love you is so much harder. (I have said I love you to people in return though, to me still that isn't the same, it just feels almost required).

For me saying I love you is one of the strongest things you could ever say to someone, because you're taking yourself (I), and protesting out loud how you feel (love), to someone specific (you).

I've been very near to saying it only a few times in my life and really mean it, I mean I've said I love you to people, like my family, but to me it's more of a routine, than a true, genuine expression of love.

The thing is, lately it's been killing me, I've wanted to say it to someone so badly, but something always holds me back. I love people, I love them a lot, more than they will every know. I view most everyone has being loveable and completely worthy of love. I try my hardest to love everyone and show them that I love them.

But why is it so hard to actually tell someone that? Why is it so hard so say I love you?

Three little words.

Yet three little words with such a strong feeling behind them, that saying them is like giving up something you've held forever.

Just a ramble, but I felt like getting it out.

Not sure if anyone else even feels like this, but for me it's always been a struggle, I've always longed to say "I love you" to someone, but something holds me back, and I'm not sure what it is. But I feel there must be a reason behind it.

Maybe it's cause I'm afraid if I fully admit it to someone, they wont feel the same way back. And I'll be left giving something that I can't get in return. Maybe I just don't want to feel hurt.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain."

"Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust."

"Loving is a feeling that brings both joy and pain to my heart. Joy from being with you, being filled with an emotion so deep and tender that no other feeling can compare. Pain from knowing that I'm so in love, that I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been"

"I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?"

"If love is so important to have that one doesn't want to lose it, why is it when we find true love we often don't notice it?"